oh my freakin' god

Yes, God's name in vain but I left out the numerous curse words I've uttered this morning.

I've been out of town a lot lately (home only one day between last Friday and this Wednesday). Being the sole homeowner, every chore is my responsibility. I'm not complaining. You know, whatever...that's part of it. I have today off due to reaching the 40-hour mark sometime on Wednesday. That's nice--long weekend, can get work done, blah blah blah.

I wake up this morning and am forced to work a little bit despite my day off. The people who come to me with issues can sense my freedom. Like swarming sharks, I struggle to escape them. At about 9:30 I go out to start mowing the yard. I can't start the mower. It's brand new. It has a key start that refuses to cooperate. The battery was charged. Gas was in it. Refuses to turn over. Because my arms are not 10 feet long (nor do I have the forearms of Popeye), I cannot start the alleged back-up pull start. Cursing, frustrated, I walk away.

I can trim some stuff instead. This requires no power tools. I go about my business. Crazy long limbs--be afraid. At one point it sounded like things growing on the opposite side of my car were scraping against it. I go around to the other side. Nothing. Good, right? Yeah, not this morning. As I come around the front of my car whatever wild animal was (is?) hiding under it started hissing at me. I don't know what it was because I don't have eyes in the back of my head (and I'd need to because I immediately turned and ran away).

I go inside and am shaking, adrenaline pumping. Seriously people, it's broad daylight. I've seen opossums and 'coons out and about but that's at NIGHTTIME! Thinking about my long list of things I wanted to accomplish today, I become pissed. Most of these things either require me being outdoors or away from home. Being away from home requires the use of my car. Wild thing under my driver's side...you see the problem. So, yeah, I'm pissed. I grab the spray water bottle I've reserved for the numerous cats that think they live here (this has been an ongoing problem that I'm not sure I've mentioned on here before). I figure if it's a feral cat I can spray it with water (from the safety of my porch, of course). If it's something scarier that tries to attack me, throwing the water bottle at it would not be beneath me. Let me interject here that I really do love animals. I just think some primal self-preservation thing would come into play if attacked by one. Hopefully.

So pumped a little by my anger at this unseen creature keeping me from crossing things off my To Do list, I go outside. Mmhmm. I didn't make it to the car area because what is sitting on my porch steps? Two kittens. That's right. Two freakin' adorable baby kitties. With fleas. That have infiltrated my house. Now, one of the cats thinks it lives here and I resigned myself to taking it in when she got pregnant/was gang raped in my front yard. She was the one friendly cat (with people, not just boy cats) and I wanted an outdoor cat anyway. When she showed up in the family way I thought I'd keep her and one of the kittens, get them fixed, and hope that the other kittens were adoptable. It turns out that I think she had 4 about the time I was in Seattle. I saw them when they were a few weeks old. Now I guess she's down to two. It's a hard life out there in the wild. I know...just look under my car.

***Addition*** There was a wasp in my dining room. I sprayed it with bug spray and then in proceeded to fly into my face. It's currently dying in the kitchen.


Bubba's Sis said…
So what was under the car?!?!?!?
angelq said…
Sounds like you need some time away from the house. heh

Maybe it will turn out that the car is possessed and pissed you haven't been around lately. He/she does not like day care at the airport.
StaceyG said…
Better cute kittens than a rabid possum!! What a morning...
samantha Jo Campen said…
Holy crap I am laughing so hard!!!!

*wipes tear away*
cjh said…
I don't know what was under the car. It's gone now. If the car is mad about anything, it's its filth. And, yet another update, there are at least 3 kittens. Word on the street (from my neighbors) there may be 4-5. Super.
Bubba's Mom said…
You might chat with katie lady about feral cats. It's something that can get out of hand. Seriously!
Bubba's Sis said…
I would still be scared that whatever was under the car might come back!

P.S. I'm tagging you, cjh! See my blog for the survey - post your answers on your blog, then tag some more people!

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hey, would you like to see the nursery?