regrouping

***WARNING: If you do not want to be subjected to sad whining, please read only the information in bold.***

That's what I'm supposed to be doing--regrouping. I'm supposed to say I didn't want that house anyway. That surely there were tons of things wrong with it. That it just wasn't meant to be. That all feels like bull$h!t right now.

I love that house. I think it should be my house. I saw it and didn't want to look around for another one. I still don't really. I want to sit on the couch watching the Project Runway finale (finally!) and cry a little with them because their dreams are coming true. And maybe eat some sweets...

It sucks. The woman who owns the house only bought it 2 1/2 years ago for probably more than she should have. That pretty much translates into cjh won't be able to afford it. Still. Can't afford it. The other houses like that around here--that could possibly go on the market if all the stars aligned--would go for about $15-20 more a square foot. So the agent I talked to (and disliked) yesterday basically painted a pretty grim picture. It seems like unless there's some sort of miracle, I'm not going to be able to get a house I love. I could get one with the characteristics I'm looking for but one that's too small to hold my stuff. Or I could get one of a reasonable size that is like every other freakin' house out there. (I apologize to those of you who live in "every other freakin' house out there." That's great for some people but not what I'm looking for.)

I'm trying to be over it today. I'm trying to think "water under the bridge" and all that. How I'll just keep looking and something will work out. Or that maybe this woman just needs to get out of this house and will take a loss. What I'm thinking is how I'm tired of things being so hard. That for once it looked like things could easily work themselves out. God knows that rarely happens in my life. Take my love life...yeah, no reason to elaborate there. Or my job. I like my job and this is what I've been working towards. Yep, working...this is my 4th job out of college, slowing paying my dues to get a reasonable paycheck and a few perks. Meanwhile, others just skip those steps and ease right in there. And do they have something I don't? Who knows but it appears what they have is less education and a worse work ethic.

So what is being responsible and working hard and saving money and going about life the way you "should" getting me? Apparently disappointment. News that I'll still not be able to buy the house I want. In addition to just wanting a house, I know I can't keep living with my brother forever. His life is moving on. He should live on his own and then get married, etc. I can't keep living here. And I don't want to throw money into an apartment. I don't want to live in an apartment again. Isn't 7 years of that enough? No second income on the horizon. So what am I supposed to do? I know, I know. I'll be ok after a few days and will be able to think rationally again. It just doesn't feel like I'm asking for much. I don't want a million dollar home or 3,000 square feet. I want this great old house that's 1,800 square feet and about $15,000 more than I want to spend. A house that the mere prospect of owning made me happier than I've been in a long time. And now the loss of which has gotten me pretty bummed. (Ok, the bold in the last paragraph is a little joke...see, can still find humor.)