adequacy (or lack thereof)

There is no little emoticon on the website I use for "inadequate." If there were, that's what I'd have over there. For most of the last year I've felt great. Pretty much better than I had in years and years. Something in me has changed. And I really do believe that or else there would have been many more days months of feeling inadequate over the last year. But here I am anyway.

Everything stems from work. After two years of working the same project, I knew it backwards and forwards. I knew all the people with whom I worked (even if I hadn't met them face-to-face). I knew everyone's roles. I knew how to get to all my sites in other cities/states and knew my way around those offices. I knew who was good at their job and those who were less so. Even though I didn't love Shreveport, I knew what to expect. And right now, even going there doesn't seem so bad. (And you know I'm not doing well if I'm saying that.)

Now I've been on two new projects for months. It really feels like, by now, I should know what I'm doing a little bit more than I do. Granted, there has been too much (constant) change and too little training during that time. But still. Here I am--feeling frustrated and burned out and incompetent. Everything takes longer to do. I don't know who anyone is, let alone have a real connection with any of the folks in the other cities. I may not know where the bathrooms are there. Or where to eat lunch. Or what hotel to choose. Or really know what I'm doing on either project. And it seems like I'm out-of-town so much that it's hard to take time to just get organized and learn. Basically, I'm spending too much time doing the job instead of learning how to do the job...it's so backwards. So I've taken a few office days but then I feel so overwhelmed with the rest of my life and so unmotivated with work, that I end up getting nothing done to help me do the job better. And then there's the actual missing of deadlines and scheduling travel on wrong days and stuff...

I know that if I just devoted a few good solid days--ok, maybe a week--to work, then I'd be better off in the long run. And when I say "work" I mean the things that people don't see--things that do not have deadlines, things that only I know are getting done behind the scenes. There are always those 40+ hours of work that people do see on top of the rest... But here's the deal. Even though I've been trying so hard to get a grasp on work so that I can improve my state of mind down the road, I'm letting everything else in my life get screwed up as well.

Basically I have been sort of hit-and-miss with my diet and exercise. I haven't seen enough of my friends or family (yet still manage to damage via e-mail...as if neglect isn't enough). I haven't done as much around the house as I've wanted. The yard (actually the flower beds) haven't looked this bad since I've moved here. And I don't really take much time for personal appearance. Yeah, it's pretty much every area.

So I'm sorry if you've felt let down and/or abused and/or neglected by me. And if you hear me say fuck a lot, know that I don't really mean it.

Comments

GreenishLady said…
Maybe you do mean it? Maybe you need to say it out loud a dozen times, and stamp your foot, too... and then, see about taking that time to get yourself grounded properly for your work, however you need to do it.
Cheryl said…
God, I so understand how you feel. Different jobs but same lack of training thing, right? If I remember correctly, you DO need to rant and rave and do the foot stomping thing and then you can get on with mastering what's been thrown at you.

And how about hiring temporary help? Then your home could feel under control while you're tackling the other stuff.

Without sounding sappy (I hope), just love yourself as much as the rest of do while you're going through all this.
Bubba's Sis said…
Sometimes you just need to say fuck a lot.
StaceyG said…
Are you kidding me? YOU ROCK!!!!
angelq said…
Do you feel like running around the house, yelling at the top of your lungs, waving your arms above your head a la "Home Alone"? You should do that. That would totally rock. Then take a couple of hours to do a work out and take a long bath and redo your toes. Then have lunch with someone important. Then a good nap. Then close your door and get some work done. You, of all people, should know that you need to take care of yourself before anything else can fall into place.

PS Remember what my counselor used to tell me: stop trying to be the best and accept that being good enough really is good enough.

PPS It's taken me almost a year of being back at my job to start to feel adequate again.

PPPS You do rock, you know.
StaceyG said…
"Fuck" is a fabulous word to say when you're frustrated (or drunk). I wish I had words of wisdom, but I can certainly tell you that you're not alone and that this too will pass. (hugs)

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